Monday, May 31, 2010

Using “I” Instead of “You” in Relationships


The making of a good relationship takes work. Relationships are just that – relating to one another through being in one another’s life, good times and not. Whether it is a friendship or a marriage, the people involved should be better because of it, not made to feel less.

Often, when there are problems, it’s usually because there is a breakdown in communication. Sometimes, along with the lack of communication, is an assumption that was made which is frequently based on not enough information or choosing to not see the information for what it is.

When confusion or conflict arises, instead of playing the blame game, which only succeeds in causing more hurt and widening the distance, try talking about what is really causing concern. However, instead of using the word “you”, use “I”, like “I am feeling…..” or “Help me understand…” By changing to using “I” wording, you switch the direction of the conversation to how you are feeling and how you are being affected. This change of focus keeps the other person from feeling so defensive and allows for more open and honest communication.

Start slow and be gentle. Allow for the conversation to develop, peeling away the layers of concern and you will often find that by handling it in this manner, that you and your partner will be able to clarify issues and see that more often than not, what was getting in the way was a feeling of insecurity or that someone jumped to an errant conclusion.

Get in the habit of immediately taking care of these feelings when they come, instead of letting them fester and grow to something that feels unmanageable. It’s never a pleasant task, but it does get easier the more often you do it. The key is staying open and if something is affecting the health of your relationship, then it needs to be addressed.

The key is taking the first step and talk.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Research, it’s become mandatory

25 years ago, I was fortunate to have eye surgery to correct my eyesight. I was so severely myopic (nearsighted) that I was legally blind. Thanks to my prayer team, the Good Lord, and a brilliant doctor (who was just hoping to enable me to see the big E on the chart), I was able to have perfect vision up until just this last year or so.

According to my optometrist, RK and laser surgery lasts about 25 years, which is awesome as far as I’m concerned, before there becomes a possible need for some minor correction. Then, the scar tissue begins to lose its strength and causes the cornea to sort of collapse. Now, before you faint, this isn’t as bad as it sounds. Of course, when they told me that my corneas resembled Mt. St. Helens, I did think I was going to faint. She explained this was normal and was easily corrected with lenses. Big sigh of relief.

My eye exam showed that I had some astigmatism, which was the probable cause of the headaches I had been suffering with for the last few months. They sent me in to see the glasses specialists, but after several attempts at getting lenses to work, I decided to see the optometrist, again. That was when I decided to do a little research. I figured that since I had worn contacts before my surgery, there should be contacts to help my eyes, now. Even though there have been great strides in contact technology, I wasn’t completely sold on rigid lenses. So, I kept digging. I eventually discovered a couple of new lenses for eyes like mine. One in particular looked like it would work the best. It married a rigid center with soft skirt.

When I went to my next appointment, I asked the optometrist if I could wear contacts. She told me that shouldn’t be a problem and took me in to meet the contact specialist. She tried fitting me with a rigid lens, and although not as painful as when I tried them in the mid-70’s, they still just felt like a piece of plastic in my eye. So, I asked her about this new lens. Her response was that they were expensive. I asked her how much? She said about $600, which was way lower than what I was anticipating. Then, she told me that my eyes should be covered by my health insurance, which could pick up the bulk of the cost. I was silently wondering whether she would have told me about them had I not researched them. I’m not sure she would have. The contacts were perfect and quite comfortable.

This is not the first time I have researched something ahead of time and had it turn in my favor, especially when it comes to my health or the health of my family or friends. In spite of what doctors may say, researching is often a good thing. What the doctors get wary of is when people research and then ask for something totally unreasonable. But, if it’s reasonable and you have looked at all of the pros and cons, you will then go into appointments and meetings with the information to ask the right questions and make good decisions.

It has come down to the importance of personally advocating for our own healthcare. We are not given enough time with the doctor (scheduled 15 minutes) for them to be proactive about our health. It’s up to us to take the initiative. It’s not up to us to diagnose, but it is up to us to check out our options. Remember, whenever you research, especially healthcare, make sure there plenty of substantiating documentation from different, reputable sites. Do not just settle on one that says something you want to see. That’s not being responsible or proactive.